As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to have a new appreciation for this space when the year has just turned. Something in the air feels peacefully suspended, as if we have a short reprieve from checking the clock and counting our minutes. I’ve cycled through a lot of opinions on the concept of a new year. From disdain with the increased knocking of achievement culture on our doors to excitement at the idea of hopeful reinvention, I’ve never quite landed on how I’d like to use this time. Technically every day is a new year, but there is a grace to all of us beginning again together.
This year, I spent much of the holiday season including the turnover from New Years to a new year in what is commonly referred to as “shitty times.” Mingled in my view with the holly and trimmed trees has been ambulance lights and snow on emergency room window panes. I’ve talked a bit on here about what it’s been like to watch a loved one being succumbed to a grievous illness; not only the facts of it, because innumerable people could offer those to you but the parts of it that have reminded me of my own aliveness. That is all I am interested in at the end of the day; in my writing, in my intimate exchanges, in my own emotional life… Does it feel like living? And if so, then it is valuable and romantic.
And boy, have I been living. I have never endured such wide peaks and valleys of emotion, partly because I’ve never been able to before and that is something I am proud of in my new years reflections. Despite the unwanted-ness of my circumstances, there was a time when the only way I could have survived it was to go numb (which, while a fine way to temporarily preserve the self is not a very enjoyable way to pass time.) I am doing what I can to feel things and move on from them; to step from one moment to the next with the simple appreciation that I am doing so.
We’ve had some strangely lovely weather since the first of the year where I am. People’s new year energy seems to be especially invigorated by it. I see the streets flooded with runners and couples cycling, the bookstore shelves cleared of personal growth bestsellers, more vitamin ads on my phone screen…
Either from self love or self loathing, the instinct to want to discard last year’s version of us seems to be pretty universal. The humanness of it warms my heart a bit; as if we’re all united in reflection and rebirth right now. What is it about the idea of a fresh start? The possibility that we might be able to wash away the pain we’ve been carrying and replace it with a new resolve. It’s attractive; the thought that we can take the good and leave the rest of the past behind.
So why does it fail so often? My theory is that human nature likes a happy ending; that for whatever reason, to move on we must tie up our stories with a bow and not a trash bag. We can’t lose the fear or the hate or the lack or the weight unless we can make peace with it, let it fade as a friend and not die as an enemy. No matter what it was, it was part of your living and that makes it valuable and romantic.
To change, we can’t only make room for the steady drum beat of action. We must also make room for the varying flow of experiences that come with transformation. Treat it as a dance not a marathon and maybe the new you might even be more fun to inhabit than the old one.
Each moment feels like a new year to me right now; the sludgy, unpredictable cadence of my daily life requiring my rededication to strength and rebirth again and again. Every time I break down or become mired in fear and doubt, my only resolution is to let my last thought on the matter be a good one. I can fail and change and regress and progress as much as I need to, as long as I end the thought dialogue by appreciating the benefit of wherever I am. I’m pleased to report there always is one, even if it is that at least my hair looks good today.
Wherever you are, whatever you want to lose or gain this year, whether you succeed or fail at it, or whether you’re not going to bother at all, here are some journal prompts to see the value and beauty in your experience regardless of what it is.
The Prompts
What is a story from this past year that you will tell when you are old?
What made you stronger in the last year?
What did you experience last year that you never want to feel again?
Write the story of your last year as if it were the best year of your life.